The behavior of parents has a great influence on the emotional adjustment of their children. This principle is constant even when the marriage is being dissolved. The following guidelines are minimum standards for achieving successful visitation for children:
- Put the children's welfare first. Try to see that their emotional needs are met. Try to see that they have an opportunity to develop normally, as much as possible under the circumstance.
- Visitation with the other parent is always needed, and under proper circumstances can be helpful to your child's development and future welfare, even if you may not agree with or approve of every activity.
- Visitation should be pleasant not only for your child, but for both parents. Visitation should help the children maintain positive relationships with the visiting parent.
- The visit should not take place only in the child's home. The visiting parent may want the child to visit his or her home overnight and should be encouraged to plan enjoyable outings.
- Including others: Visitation is time for the parent and child to be with each other to enjoy each other and to maintain positive relationships. Having other people participate may dilute the parent-child experience during the visitation. Remember that it may appear to a child that the parent does not have time for the child and that the parent does not care enough to give the child his or her undivided attention during the visitation. There is usually plenty of time after dissolution of the marriage for a child to get to know someone with whom a parent may have a serious relationship.
- Stick to the visitation schedule and inform the other parent when you cannot keep an appointment. Failing to visit without notifying the other parent may be construed by your child as rejection by you.
- You may need to adjust the visitation schedule from time to time according to the child's age, health and interests.
- Sometimes a parent who has visitation rights asks "why should I visit? After all, the primary custodial parent has my children and the house. I am no longer needed except as a paycheck..." The visit if one of the few times that a parent has personal contact with the child. For that reason it should be a meaningful one for both the parent and the child. Even though the parents have not been able to get along, the children still need both parents if they are to grow up in a normal way.
- Often a visiting parent wonders where he or she might take the children on visits and what amusements he or she should plan, particularly if the children are young. Activities may add to the pleasure of a visit, but most important of all is the parent's involvement with the child. Giving of self is more important than whatever material things the parent may give the child.
- Do not use the visit to check on the other parent. The child should not be pumped for this kind of information. The child should not be used as a little spy. Often, it is the child's perception that the parents hate each other, and the child will feel uncomfortable at the time of the visit. The child may feel that if he or she does anything to please the visiting parent, he may invite rejection by the other parent. The child has already lost one parent from the home, and the child is always in his or her mind fearful of losing the other parent.
- Parents should always show respect for each other in front of the child.
- The child may be left with many problems following visits, and both parents should make every effort to discuss the problems and to agree on ways to deal with them.
- Both parents should strive for agreement on decisions pertaining to the children, especially discipline, so that one parent is not undermining the other parent's efforts.
- The use of common sense in agreeing to and exercising visitation is required by all.
- Keep in mind that your child's future attitude, outlook and emotional development are important, and visitation should be as uncomplicated and normal as possible under the circumstances.
- To the extent possible, the child should have the love and proper guidance of both parents.
- A divorce does not mean that parents have to be or behave like enemies. A child should not have the burden of having to be the peacemaker at each encounter between the parents.
- WHEN IN DOUBT, USE YOUR COMMON SENSE, AND TREAT THE OTHER PERSON AS YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED IN SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES.